It is not easy starting over. It is not always like riding a bicycle, sometimes when you fall off you can’t just get right back up. Sometimes you need help.
Starting over is not just picking up where you left off. No, because things have changed and are not the same anymore. The things you felt were important are not so high up on the importance scale anymore.
When someone comes into your life and heart, things change. You make room for them. You begin to plan a future with them. You lay some things aside to pick up other things. You give them room, a space. Then when that person is no longer there, the empty space is left, and you can no longer see things the way you used to. Now you have to change your whole way of thinking.
It is not like you can just go back to the way things were “before,” because you have been changed.
Hope deferred does make the heart sick. A sick heart can make a sick mind if we do not allow healing to come, and understand it is a process, each step has to be taken.
I sometimes don’t want to take those steps. I know it is necessary, and I will get my joy back, but for now, I seem to be a little stuck. Right now all I have left of him is the grief that I carry. When I make it through this grief, then I will be healed of him, and I will be able to move on. Is it nuts to not want to let go, because then it means letting go of him? Not a very healthy place to be in, huh.
Sometimes the mind romanticizes the ugly. You know, “maybe he will come to his senses and come back,” or “he will realize he loves me and this is all a big mistake.” But the truth is, I am worth more than this. Love does not need to begged. Love is freely given. If you beg for it, then you will always have to appease it to keep it. I don’t want that.
The truth is, it wasn’t always good with him. I wanted it to be, but it wasn’t. Fear was a huge motivator in our relationship. Clearly if fear was the motivator, then it was not love, because God said perfect love cast out all fear.
There is more to this than the surface. Yes, I grieve him, yes I miss him, yes I love him. But the root is not about him. The root is an issue within me. Until I face this root and deal with it, then I will always be motivated by fear. Fear has no place in a relationship and I don’t ever want another relationship like the one I was in. It was not Gods plan for me.
Is there anyone else out there going through this?
I thank God for being my Eternal Husband, I take comfort knowing He will never reject or abandon me. He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. He knows all of my quirks and He loves me anyway. I set myself aside for Him and I trust Him to protect me, in Him I take shelter, He is my refuge, He is my peace in this storm. When I am weak He is strong. Holy Spirit, keep talking to me, keep leading me, keep placing Your people in my path to lift me up. I need You and I thank You for being gentle, faithful, loving, and patient.