Not Like Riding a Bike

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It is not easy starting over. It is not always like riding a bicycle, sometimes when you fall off you can’t just get right back up. Sometimes you need help.

Starting over is not just picking up where you left off. No, because things have changed and are not the same anymore. The things you felt were important are not so high up on the importance scale anymore.

When someone comes into your life and heart, things change. You make room for them. You begin to plan a future with them. You lay some things aside to pick up other things. You give them room, a space. Then when that person is no longer there, the empty space is left, and you can no longer see things the way you used to. Now you have to change your whole way of thinking.

It is not like you can just go back to the way things were “before,” because you have been changed.

Hope deferred does make the heart sick. A sick heart can make a sick mind if we do not allow healing to come, and understand it is a process, each step has to be taken.

I sometimes don’t want to take those steps. I know it is necessary, and I will get my joy back, but for now, I seem to be a little stuck. Right now all I have left of him is the grief that I carry. When I make it through this grief, then I will be healed of him, and I will be able to move on. Is it nuts to not want to let go, because then it means letting go of him? Not a very healthy place to be in, huh.

Sometimes the mind romanticizes the ugly. You know, “maybe he will come to his senses and come back,” or “he will realize he loves me and this is all a big mistake.” But the truth is, I am worth more than this. Love does not need to begged. Love is freely given. If you beg for it, then you will always have to appease it to keep it. I don’t want that.

The truth is, it wasn’t always good with him. I wanted it to be, but it wasn’t. Fear was a huge motivator in our relationship. Clearly if fear was the motivator, then it was not love, because God said perfect love cast out all fear.

There is more to this than the surface. Yes, I grieve him, yes I miss him, yes I love him. But the root is not about him. The root is an issue within me. Until I face this root and deal with it, then I will always be motivated by fear. Fear has no place in a relationship and I don’t ever want another relationship like the one I was in. It was not Gods plan for me.

Is there anyone else out there going through this?

I thank God for being my Eternal Husband, I take comfort knowing He will never reject or abandon me. He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. He knows all of my quirks and He loves me anyway. I set myself aside for Him and I trust Him to protect me, in Him I take shelter, He is my refuge, He is my peace in this storm. When I am weak He is strong. Holy Spirit, keep talking to me, keep leading me, keep placing Your people in my path to lift me up. I need You and I thank You for being gentle, faithful, loving, and patient.

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12 thoughts on “Not Like Riding a Bike

  1. I didn’t trust my judgement, so at 19 I sincerely gave the choice of who my husband would be to the Lord. He told me that, if I want someone special, I need to BE someone special, too. So, I waited. The wait was very long. I married when I was 35 and he was 37. Before he came on the scene, I told the Lord I didn’t really care if I married at all any more. This seems to be the wisdom place that He likes us to be in…before marriage. Our chances of dealing with marriage and family are better…when we don’t need it so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your encouragement. I am sharing what He is walking me through, sometimes it seems like a mess, but God makes ALL things new, beauty for ashes, and joy in the morning. I am trusting Him. Maybe through my blog journaling of this journey someone else will say, “hey, He can heal her then He can heal me too.” I enjoy your blog too, love the name! I look forward to reading your posts. God bless all of you at JesusTheTruthAndTheWay.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you very much, my will would be being able to save a person just one person if they get saved reading my blog I will be very happy. Most of the people today deny that god exists and only christians read these blogs, I wish their was a way to get other people to read these blogs…

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    1. Even if it is one person then it is worth it. Remember, it is His Spirit who leads, we are only required to be faithful. So keep being obedient and pointing to Him. You plant the seed and He waters. Stay encouraged.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m going through a painful breakup right now, so I can completely relate to these feelings. We just want to feel like “ourselves,” before the relationship, but we are different now. We have changed because of the relationship. I have to learn to accept the changes and learn to focus on myself for the time being.

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    1. A break up can be like a ripping of the soul. One thing I heard God tell me when I was crying to Him, He said, “I am still God and you are still you.”
      It is hard to see ourselves through the cloud of grief, but we are still us. Yes, take the time to focus on yourself, relearn yourself, love on yourself.
      Grieving is a process, sometimes emotions come in waves. I have my good days, and then I have the moments where I am so blue. The blue moments aren’t as often anymore. Healing will come, my friend. It takes time, but it will come. You are beautiful and loved. Hugs to you. Blessings

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hugs to you as well. Thank you for the kind words. 🙂 We all have good and bad days. It’s comforting to know that we’re not alone in how we feel, and that we will make it through the dark times.

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