I am not coming out of this alone… God has got to send someone to fetch me. I am being delivered! He is carrying me out!
When a young girls innocence is stolen from her, it does more than just “damage” her… the stain of the crime will touch everything that concerns her… her present and her future. Her very womanhood and persons has been stolen.
It will cause her to loathe herself, to be disgusted with her own body, to want to cover up her shame. And when she cannot cover the shame she will seek others to cover her shame for her… to validate her.
She will want to be invisible to anyone who may notice her, less they desire to cause her harm, but even in the desire to be invisible she stands out. Almost as a walking bulls eyes to the demons who foam at the mouth for her… through men who see only one thing… what they can take from her.
Because she has learned at a very young age that she can trust no one, she will learn to lie. Don’t think for a moment this is who she wants to be, but she dare not reveal her real self to anyone, because not just anyone can be trusted.
Once in awhile she will meet someone she thinks she can trust, but when that person harms her, or she perceives he will harm her, if there is something familiar about him, she will revert back to her self protective stance.
She will go through relationship after relationship, seeking someone to just tell her she is beautiful, she is worthy, she is loved… someone to protect her, heal her. Because this is the only way she understands, her views are distorted.
She has learned to use her physical beauty to cover her inner beauty, because her inner beauty is vulnerable. Even so, she doesn’t really believe her physical beauty is all that beautiful, because she will avoid looking at herself in the mirror, she is disgusted with her own body. No one can see the scars she carries, no one can smell the stench of shame she tries to hide.
When she loves a man, she is in a constant state of fear.
Will he reject me?
What if he finds out about the real me?
What if he hurts me?
or worse yet… what of he leaves me?
This is how sad the state of an abused adult child can be: I remember when I was married thinking… I wish he would just hurry up and be unfaithful, or hurt me, because I know it is coming and I want to get this over with. This was the condition of my mind, the condition of my soul.
I met Jesus when I became an adult. I have a real relationship with Him. He has walked me through some battles and He has always been faithful. Believing I was delivered, healed, and ready, for a relationship… I met and fell in love with a man. Don’t you know you never really know how healed, or not healed, you are until you are staring your fear in the face. My fear was rejection.
Would he really love me? Will he really accept me? Will he leave me? How about when I start to feel fear, can I tell him about it, will he comfort me, reassure me?
So, here I am now…. alone. All my fears come true. And God is talking to me. He is showing me things.
It is as if He is walking me through a garden, some of it is beautiful and fragrant. But there are some things that are ugly, stink, and have to go.
No, we are not going to pull them up and transplant what needs to die. We are going to pull it by the roots and we are going to look at that root and we are going to deal with it.
I am looking askance at the root. It is too painful to look at head on. I admit, I am afraid. Not afraid God will leave me, He won’t. I am afraid of the emotions that are being stirred. I am afraid to remember all I have suppressed. I am afraid to come undone. It is hard to come undone when you have spent your entire life being in control, because everything was out of control.
I wish I had someone to walk this with me. Someone to hold my hand. It seems, for now, it is just me and Him and that is a good place to be.
Oh, God, remove my shame. Heal the damaged little girl inside of me, so I can be the whole woman You created me to be. I am broken, I am coming undone, I am damaged.