Victor! Not victim!

stronger

 

You go tell that devil he is a liar! (John 8:44)

It doesn’t matter what form he takes, he can come in like a friend or like a lover (2 Corinthians 11:14)  Everything hidden, every lie told, will be revealed (Mark 4:22) Because God watches after His children.

Even if the accusations he brings were true, do not fear, do not be intimidated, and do not back down. Because our God makes ALL things new! (2 Corinthians 5:17)

The devil always has a counterfeit. He knows Who you belong to, that is why he attacks you at your most vulnerable spot.

So, you dry those tears, you shake off the dust, and you get back in the race. God is not done yet. You are not a victim, you are a victor!

Yea, I preached this to myself this evening and thought I would share it with you, in case you needed to be reminded too.

 

Letting Go

Hope

This is the real struggle… realizing you trusted the wrong person. When you have given your heart, your future, to someone who promised to love you, and they take, take, take it, only to throw you aside… it is a double sting. It is a bitter taste. It is rejection magnified.

I am reading 2 Samuel 13 and I feel Tamar’s pain. Someone she trusted violated her, under the distorted guise of “love” (which was really just sinful lust) and then threw her out. Soiled her and then put her to the curb like garbage.

How can anyone get back up after that?

The last couple days have been a little rough. I am embarrassed to say I have had a bit of a “temporary” emotional setback. I am just so darn angry with him!!! I am trying to not sin in this anger, I really do want to forgive him and release him. I wasn’t perfect either, but I didn’t play with his head and promise things I had no intention of keeping either.

I hate I still think about him. I hate I want to share with him. I hate he is my first thought when I see something, hear something, experience something and I want to tell him about it… but then I stop, I remember, he is not there anymore. Or maybe it is missing the time when I could share things with him. It is not so much I want to now, but I do miss when I could. Then again, if I knew then what I know now… there may have never been a then.

It’s as if he uncovered me and then left me outside of his door bleeding, and then he hopped back in bed and ignored my cries.

woman-crying-outside-the-door

What you are doing to me now is worse than what you did to me at first. -2 Samuel 13:16

I met with a pastor friend of mine yesterday. I had a wonderful time with him and his wife. They are from Brooklyn, NY, so it was doubly nice, I was with family. We all need that, friends we can go to and trust. We talked, we laughed, we cried, we glorified God, and we prayed.

When I left the meeting with my friends I just had to thank God for sending them. It is too easy to just sit alone, hide from the world, and rehearse all the hurt. If I truly want healed, if I truly want to let go of him and all of his “crap,” then I need to stand up and live in the “NOW” instead of the “THEN.” He is my past, not my future.

Instead of agonizing over the loss, I am going to celebrate the victory and thank God He rescued me from the future that could have been. Because it is not about him, at all. It is about me.

This blow has shaken me. It has caused me to look at my patterns, my past, my injuries, things I have forgotten, and things I do not want to remember. This is where I must hold onto and believe Romans 8:28.

That’s it for my rant. I hope to not have too many more of these. But, even so, I know God is faithful. Not one thing has gone unnoticed by Him. I can’t change the past, but with Him I can step into a healthy future.

Come now, and let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be like wool. – Isaiah 1:18

 Lift up your heads, O you gates; yes, lift them up, you age-abiding doors, that the King of glory may come in. Who is [He then] this King of glory? The Lord of hosts, He is the King of glory. Selah [pause, and think of that]! Psalm 24:9-10

attributes

In A Beautiful Place With An Ugly Problem

I am not coming out of this alone… God has got to send someone to fetch me. I am being delivered! He is carrying me out!

lonely-woman

When a young girls innocence is stolen from her, it does more than just “damage” her… the stain of the crime will touch everything that concerns her… her present and her future. Her very womanhood and persons has been stolen.

It will cause her to loathe herself, to be disgusted with her own body, to want to cover up her shame. And when she cannot cover the shame she will seek others to cover her shame for her… to validate her.

She will want to be invisible to anyone who may notice her, less they desire to cause her harm, but even in the desire to be invisible she stands out. Almost as a walking bulls eyes to the demons who foam at the mouth for her… through men who see only one thing… what they can take from her.

Because she has learned at a very young age that she can trust no one, she will learn to lie. Don’t think for a moment this is who she wants to be, but she dare not reveal her real self to anyone, because not just anyone can be trusted.

Once in awhile she will meet someone she thinks she can trust, but when that person harms her, or she perceives he will harm her, if there is something familiar about him, she will revert back to her self protective stance.

She will go through relationship after relationship, seeking someone to just tell her she is beautiful, she is worthy, she is loved… someone to protect her, heal her. Because this is the only way she understands, her views are distorted.

She has learned to use her physical beauty to cover her inner beauty, because her inner beauty is vulnerable. Even so, she doesn’t really believe her physical beauty is all that beautiful, because she will avoid looking at herself in the mirror, she is disgusted with her own body. No one can see the scars she carries, no one can smell the stench of shame she tries to hide.

When she loves a man, she is in a constant state of fear.

Will he reject me?

What if he finds out about the real me?

What if he hurts me?

or worse yet… what of he leaves me?

This is how sad the state of an abused adult child can be: I remember when I was married thinking… I wish he would just hurry up and be unfaithful, or hurt me, because I know it is coming and I want to get this over with. This was the condition of my mind, the condition of my soul.

I met Jesus when I became an adult. I have a real relationship with Him. He has walked me through some battles and He has always been faithful. Believing I was delivered, healed, and ready, for a relationship… I met and fell in love with a man. Don’t you know you never really know how healed, or not healed, you are until you are staring your fear in the face. My fear was rejection.

Would he really love me? Will he really accept me? Will he leave me? How about when I start to feel fear, can I tell him about it, will he comfort me, reassure me?

So, here I am now…. alone. All my fears come true. And God is talking to me. He is showing me things.

It is as if He is walking me through a garden, some of it is beautiful and fragrant. But there are some things that are ugly, stink, and have to go.

No, we are not going to pull them up and transplant what needs to die. We are going to pull it by the roots and we are going to look at that root and we are going to deal with it.

I am looking askance at the root. It is too painful to look at head on. I admit, I am afraid. Not afraid God will leave me, He won’t. I am afraid of the emotions that are being stirred. I am afraid to remember all I have suppressed. I am afraid to come undone. It is hard to come undone when you have spent your entire life being in control, because everything was out of control.

I wish I had someone to walk this with me. Someone to hold my hand. It seems, for now, it is just me and Him and that is a good place to be.

Oh, God, remove my shame. Heal the damaged little girl inside of me, so I can be the whole woman You created me to be. I am broken, I am coming undone, I am damaged.

Even Elijah Was Tired

lonley

Feeling so alone and I hate it!

He came not for those who are well, the whole need no physician… He came for me.

So, I hear the enemy attacks those with a destiny secure in the Lord, the most. All I can say now is… I must be a real threat.

My God, My God, hear me, rescue me, deliver me. God, I need You!

Deuteronomy 31:8 “… It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

Psalms 3:3 But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.

Psalms 42:11 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

The fight is over the mind, the thought life. What I think is my reality. Oh, God, help me take every thought captive. I do what I don’t want to do, I don’t do what I want to do. Sometimes it feels like this darkness is all around me and it takes all my strength to look up to see a shimmer of light, of hope.

I am holding onto His promise until my knuckles are nearly white.

Why do we feel, as Christians, we have to lie and pretend we are so joyful? Let’s be honest, we are not always joyful. We have built such a façade of “happy,” we do not even know, or have not even tasted, what the joy of the Lord is. Why do we measure our spiritual maturity based on outward appearances? Lies!

Even Elijah wanted to die. Even He cried out to God to just take him home. I am by no means in the same league as Elijah, but I feel like that. I am tired. Do you ever feel that way?

I am tired of acting! I want to be real!

Oh, God! Save me, refresh me, renew my mind and my strength.

Boundaries Are A Good Thing

Boundaries are a good thing. Healthy people set clearly defined boundaries.

boundaries

People who value themselves will only allow others into their lives if they value them. There is a mutual respect and appreciation in healthy relationships. No one is perfect, but a healthy person will not tear another person down, nor will they allow themselves to be ripped apart.

I have been thinking about this. There have been relationships I have tried to maintain, simply from fear of loss, that were not good for me. In the process of trying to resurrect a dead relationship that had no future, I could have missed out on so many other opportunities in life. Why do we do that?

When healing comes we begin to see things differently. We gain a whole new perspective on what matters and what we should let go of.

Bottom line, it is not about them. It is about you and your purpose.

We all have a purpose and it is mighty hard to fulfill the purpose when we are feeling defeated, worthless, and devalued. We must love ourselves before we can love others. Love always looks for the best. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. 1. Corinthians 13:7

Philippians 4:8 says, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].

I am learning to love myself. I cannot give what I do not have. Through the renewing of my mind and knowing what He has to say about me, I am learning to set healthy boundaries. I am learning to hear that voice when it says “uh, this doesn’t sound right.” I am setting boundaries with a sign that says, ‘Love me, Love my God,’

Healthy people can say “buh-bye” without retaliation or bitterness. Sometimes it is just loving yourself enough to say, “hey, I wish you well, but what you are offering is not for me.”

If I love God, myself, and others…. then I will have something to offer and to receive. He loves us through others and through ourselves.

Boundaries are beautiful. They are the wall that keeps the enemy out. He is our refuge when we hide ourselves in Him and stay within the boundaries He has defined for us.

One More Step

woman-hiding

Every time you see some insecure, vulnerable, intimidated adult who has unnatural fear in her eyes, low self-esteem or an apologetic posture, she is saying, “Carest thou not that I perish?” -TD Jakes, Woman Thou Art Loosed

Thank You, Jesus, that You do care. Thank You for touching me, freeing me, speaking to me, noticing me, and healing me. In my dark hours, when everyone else was asleep, I cried out to You and You heard me. Restore me, my God. Wash me in Your Word, fill me with Your Spirit, renew my mind, search my heart, shine Your light on the lies and sing Your truth over me.

My God, for every woman (and man) who has been stolen from, who feels unnoticed, unloved, rejected, and abandoned… reveal Yourself to them so they too may know the true healer of our souls.

It may be one step at a time, but You are with me through it all and for that I thank You.