Why?

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I really do not like me sometimes. Like how I handle things…

Sometimes I feel like I just don’t know what “normal” is.

What does a “normal” relationship look like?

And why do I stay with people who devalue me?

Why am I afraid to say how I feel or what I am thinking? And when I do why does it come out a boggled mess?

Why do I allow the enemy to speak to me through people I love?

Why do I cling to people who obviously do not care if I am there or not?

Why do I justify their actions and their words… ?

Why does it break me?

How can I know the Word for everyone else, but to me… well, maybe it just doesn’t apply?

How can I believe that God is always here and yet I feel alone?

How can I place so much value on what could be?

I am so very tired of this!

Can you all pray for me, please?

 

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Letting Go

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So, my dog has his favorite toy. It is a donut shaped toy that squeaks when you squeeze it. He loves to play with it. He brings it to me and I throw it and he fetches it and the repetitive game continues.

But he also likes his rawhide bones. He has toys laying all over the apartment. He is worse than a toddler.

This evening I break out a fresh rawhide to give him. But he has his donut in his mouth. I could almost read his thoughts, “Oh what do I do, I want both.”

He couldn’t have the rawhide until he dropped the donut.

Isn’t this the way we are? God wants to give us something and we are reluctant to let go of what we have.

Until we are three

grief

I found this image on facebook and though I am quite certain it is referring to the grief of the loss of a loved one through death, I believe it can also describe the grief from the loss of a relationship.

I can’t help but to wonder if in the future will I look back and think of him and all of the what ifs? I think I will. Although, I also know, it will not be as painful as it has been. There will be healing. But, I think it is natural. Especially when one of us didn’t want to end it.

It is the holiday season and with it brings a certain kind of emptiness. Where there was once love and oneness is now a void.

I saw a couple today at the bus stop. They were in a lovers embrace and oblivious of everyone around them. I had to smile to myself, because I remember feeling this way, time seems to stand still when you are in the arms of someone you love. Nothing or no one else matters and it is unimaginable that you will not always have a place there.

I am missing him.

But, even in all of the thoughts and emotions that come after a break-up, there is a knowing that this will pass. This emptiness will not always be here. My heart will beat again with love… one day.

I am a romantic at heart. I used to believe love always wins. Sometimes it doesn’t. So, the reality is I may love him, but he is not to be the love of my life. I can think of memories and smile and the sting will pass. I can even think of all the hurtful things and choose to forgive him.

Each day is a day further away from him and closer to the healing. One day I will realize I am not even thinking of him, as much. Then the day will come when I do think of him I will say a prayer… I hope he found what he is looking for.

Until then, I keep breathing, living, and hoping. The anger is leaving and I suppose that is a good sign.

I thank You, God, for complete restoration. Thank You that You are healing me and preparing me for the true romance You have for me. Until we become three, right now it is just me and You.

 

How to NOT Catch Him and Keep Him. Or… how to feed your already low self image and keep feeling bad about yourself

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(I seriously do not recommend following the advice in the following list unless you truly enjoy the abuse.)

  1. Keep chasing after him. Convince yourself he will soon realize how much you love him.
  2. Don’t take no for an answer. If he doesn’t answer your calls, no problem! He must be busy, just try again later, and again, and again, and again…
  3. When he tells you he loves you and then ignores you for days, believe him. After all, his words are enough, he doesn’t need to back anything up with actions.
  4. Constantly compare yourself to his ex. Sure he is over her. He only tells you about her because he would love you so much more if you could be like her.
  5. Agree with everything he says! No matter what.
  6. If he is “concerned” about any of your friends, immediately unfriend them. He is not jealous, he just knows best.
  7. Cry. Cry A LOT! Then when he shows back up and tells you it was all your fault, chalk it up as a silly misunderstanding and welcome him back.
  8. Excuse his bad behavior and unkindness. He was having a bad day, he is just misunderstood. Soon he will realize you are the one there for him all the time.
  9. When he tells you you are the best thing he has ever had, believe him. Because he would have never said this to anyone else.
  10. If he leads you on for over two years and breaks up with you at a whim, with no reasoning, no communication, and even if he is talking to other women, do not go on with your life. Talk to no one! After all, when he comes back and tells you about the conversations with the other women, he will reassure you they were not like you. You mustn’t hurt or upset him by not waiting patiently for him.
  11. No matter how many lies he says about you, you must forgive him. He was just hurt.
  12. Back handed compliments are better than no compliments at all. When he tells you how nice you look, and then asks if you gained some weight, immediately stop eating!
  13. Answer every late night call or text. It might be an emergency. It has to be an emergency, or he would have called you earlier at a reasonable time of day.
  14. When he talks over you, cuts you off, turns the conversation back to him… remember, at least he is talking to you.
  15. Drop everything for him, make time for him no matter what, whenever he needs it. Because his time is more valuable than yours and you should understand that.
  16. Never block him from facebook, or other social media, because when he has unblocked you, how else will he know you are still waiting for him?
  17. Believe no one but him! They are all lying about him.
  18. Convince yourself you are happy.
  19. Refuse to see any similarities between him and your absentee father. You gotta fill that void. You need the approval of a strong man and remember… only a strong man can lift you up after he tears you down.
  20. Believe him when he says you are not in Gods will for his life. It’s true. This is really true, because Gods will for you is not to be in his life.

I hope you know, the list above is not to be taken serious. But this is exactly what we do when we are in a bad, unhealthy, toxic relationship. We allow someone to treat us so bad, because inside we do not know our value. If you do not know your own worth, you will tolerate, rationalize, justify, excuse, over look, and apologize for anything.

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How will you ever love and receive love if you are steeped in this dysfunction of a relationship? Tell him to step aside, because he is blocking your view.

Get your heart and head right. Take some time alone. Get the healing. Get in the Word and alone with God and listen to what He has to say about you. Because He is the only true lover of your soul. Then when the time is right, when your healing is complete, He will bring someone across your path and you will recognize him.

You can’t love or receive love, when you don’t know what/who love is.

 

Walk Away

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It took me a while to learn this. What a tough lesson! I mean, have you ever been with that person who no matter how bad they treated you, you still find yourself apologizing to them? They could disappear for days, weeks, and when they come back they tell you it was all your fault and you… apologize?

OK, so here is the thing, no matter what their reasoning is, right or wrong, no one has a right to treat you badly. If they feel you have wronged them they have a choice to make, stay or leave. If they stay, forgive and work it out. If they leave, then let them go.

Back and forth, back and forth, is not good. Not if you want a real, mature, healthy, and growing relationship. Where is the security when you are not free to be yourself in a relationship? If you can not be yourself and you are constantly trying to please someone else to keep them, you will find you will not much like the you that you have become. And guess what? They will leave anyway.

Being with someone just for the sake of not being alone is no reason to be with someone. You are wasting your time and theirs. You are delaying the inevitable. Just let them go!

What is acceptable to you? Where are your boundaries? You better know the answer to this question, or you are in for a world of hurt.

Practice these words: “This behavior is not acceptable.”

Then my friend, when that unacceptable behavior continues, you do not have to stay. Walk away.

You can still love them, but love them from a distance. Because love, by its very definition, would never treat you poorly. I am not suggesting everything must be perfect and you must always agree on everything, but where there is no respect, trust, patience, kindness, humility,  and commitment, there is no love. You may have something, but it is not love.

(Disclosure: This post is not written for the married, I do not advocate divorce.)

 

12 Things To Do After The Break-Up

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OK, so it’s time to move on. You know it, he knows it, and to hold on would just be prolonging the pain and heartache.

I know, its sad and feels a little surreal. The person you loved and thought would always be there is no more. It is a strange feeling, isn’t it. Those sweet texts and phone calls, knowing someone is thinking about you and cares. The comfort in knowing you are not alone. But, sigh, I digress…

You had your last contact, last text, phone call, whatever… and now it is time to let go and move forward. But how to do that?

It is not easy, but it will get better. I promise.

  1. Delete his/her text from your phone. You do not need to keep reading them and analyzing his/her words. (Draw close to God) No need to dwell on the he said/she said. You may not have been able to control the outcome of your relationship, but you can control your thoughts. Take those thoughts captive!
  2. Block his/her number so they can’t contact you later and draw you back in. Trust me, anything that could have and should have been said should have been said already. After the good bye there is nothing more to be said. (Draw close to God) This is not be cruel or spiteful. This is setting boundaries and protecting yourself. And there will be no let down when you hear your phone and it is not them. Be honest, we all been there.
  3. Gather all the pictures, gifts, etc… put them in a box or bag and get them out of your sight. I recommend throwing them away or giving them to a charity (if someone else can use them).Now, I know it is not as easy as that. Get rid of them when you are ready. But, for now, get them out of your sight. (Draw close to God) Holding onto things that are not in your future will keep you stuck in the past.
  4. Write a letter to him/her. It doesn’t mean you have to send it. (Draw close to God) But you will get everything you want to say off your chest. In the big picture, does it really matter of he/she hears it? No. Because they are not in your life anymore.
  5. Get a new hobby, or pick back up on an old one. Do the things you enjoy. (Draw close to God) Remember, you were a person before you met him/her and you are still a person.
  6. Spend time with friends. the people who know you, care about you, and can help you laugh again. Laughter is a good medicine. (Draw close to God) It is good to have reminders there is life outside of the grief.
  7. Do NOT start dating again. Give yourself time to heal and to know yourself again. (Draw close to God) Nothing good will come of starting up another relationship when you are still grieving the loss of this one. Its OK to be single, do not confuse aloneness with lonlieness. Refer back to #6.
  8. If you get stuck in your grief, seek counseling. Talk with someone. (Draw close to God) We all need help sometimes.
  9. Do Not stalk them. There is no need to check on them to see who they are talking to or what they are saying. It is really none of your business anymore. (Draw close to God) It does not matter what they are doing or who they are doing it with. He/she is not in your future. It will hinder your healing. Let it go.
  10. Be kind to yourself. Eat well, get exercise, get outside. (Draw close to God) Get dressed up for you. Take yourself on dates, go to the movies, or dinner, or whatever gives you joy. Live life!
  11. Forgive him/her. Truly. This is the key to freedom. Speak a blessing over them. (Draw close to God) Ask God to bless them. The ultimate blessing would be they also draw close to God. Trust, this will begin to heal your heart more than you can imagine. One day you will wake up and find they are not the first person on your mind. Your life will begin again and you will be able to breathe again.
  12. Speak truth over yourself (Draw close to God) Remind yourself what His Word says about you. You are His beloved.

Through it all, draw close to God. He is the Only One Who can truly heal you. He will take those pieces of your broken heart and put it back together again and He will breathe life into you.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [healing their pain and comforting their sorrow]. Psalm 147:3

You are someone. You are beautiful. You are loved.