It’s just not fair, ya know.
I close my eyes and there he is in my dreams, as if he never left. I can see his eyes, hear his voice, and I am happy. Then I wake up and he is not here. My heart feels like an empty drum sometimes.
I remember sitting on the balcony and looking at him.
“I am so happy.” I told him. And I was, my heart was full.
“Do you think it will always be like this?” He asks. I saw his eyes, I saw happy in his eyes. Seeing happy in his eyes made me even happier.
“If we want it to be.”
Yea, if we want it to be. Love is always a choice. We choose to stay or we choose to leave. We choose to forgive or we choose to not forgive.
It is most painful when we make different choices. One chooses to stay and the other chooses to leave.
It’s not fair, ya know.
Loving someone takes courage. Love requires something of you; transparency, a willingness to be vulnerable, forgiveness.
I asked him if he was strong. He said yes. But he didn’t understand what I was really asking.
Are you strong enough to stay when you want to run?
Are you strong enough to catch me when I fall?
Are you strong enough to keep the foxes out of our garden?
Are you strong enough to be weak and vulnerable?
Are you strong enough to stay committed even when the honeymoon is over?
Are you strong enough to still call me beautiful even when I’m not, because my heart is beautiful?
Are you strong in the face of adversity and disappointment?
Are you strong on the sunny days AND the stormy days?
The real question was, can I trust you? Can I trust you with me? Can I just be me and will you still stay? I want to love a man I can trust. I want the freedom to finally be me.
I trusted the God in him, but I could not trust the man.
I wanted a man with a heart like David. David, with all of his failings, still had a heart after God. A man with a heart after God can love like Christ.
When David fell, he did not blame Bathsheba. David and Bathsheba both grieved the loss of their son. But David did not abandon her, he did not put her away. David repented to God and David stayed. Had he not stayed, there never would have been a Solomon. David AND Bathsheba both suffered the consequence. God blessed David and Bathsheba with another son, Solomon. There would have never been a Solomon had David abandoned Bathsheba. Together David and Bathsheba faced God and God blessed them. You can read this story in 2 Samuel, it’s true.
I grieve the loss of the spiritual children we could have had together.
I feel the rejection of Tamar, when I so want to feel the love of Bathsheba. (You can read this story in 2 Samuel 13)
Then suddenly Amnon’s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. “Get out of here!” he snarled at her. “No, no!” Tamar cried. “Sending me away now is worse than what you’ve already done to me.” But Amnon wouldn’t listen to her. He shouted for his servant and demanded, “Throw this woman out, and lock the door behind her!” So the servant put her out and locked the door behind her. She was wearing a long, beautiful robe, as was the custom in those days for the king’s virgin daughters. But now Tamar tore her robe and put ashes on her head. And then, with her face in her hands, she went away crying.
I am not Tamar, nor am I Bathsheba, I am just me.
Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all, should be shot. Clearly he didn’t know the pain of loving from a heart that has been ripped out of your chest while it was still beating and thrown to the floor.
It’s not fair, ya know. He still visits me in my dreams and he leaves when I wake. He left this emptiness in me and all I can do is wait. I wait for the healing. I wait for God to complete His work in me and make me whole again. I wait to not love him anymore. I wait to not miss him anymore.
But he is not waiting. He is already gone. Off to his next conquest, his search for the perfect woman that does not exist. Even if she did exist, she would not be attracted to a man who can not humble himself in his brokenness. After all, what woman would want a man who has left Tamar crying at the door?
I am sad.
God said He is close to the broken hearted, come close to me, Jesus. Pull me in. Help me to feel the love only You can give.
Sometimes I just want to go to sleep.