The Dark Before The Dawn… come quickly, dawn

We all have these little idiosyncrasies we do when we are hurting. You know, the things we do or say to ourselves to numb the pain of heartache.

When I miss him, I try to remind myself of all the things he said or done to hurt me. I rehearse every deception, every impatient and hurtful remark, every time he pushed me away, the untruths he spoke to me, and how even now he is speaking words that were supposed to be reserved only for me, to another.

I tell myself he doesn’t love me. He lied. He probably never did, because his actions were so much louder than his empty word. But, it doesn’t really help. Because I do love him, still.

He was not my first love, but he was suppose to be my last. I have had my heart broke before, but never like this. My heartbreaks before were probably more of a disappointment than heartbreaks. I bounced back quickly and moved on. I am having a hard time bouncing back with this heart break.

I grew up with rejection. Sad to say, but I grew to expect it. I guarded myself. I never allowed anyone to get that close to me to break me.

But he was different. I let him in.

Maybe it wasn’t so much that he was different, maybe I changed? Maybe I wanted to let him in? I was tired of failed relationships. I was tired of hiding. I was tired of running. I believed I was ready. I trusted him. He loved God, that is what I wanted, a man who loved God. I could trust a man who loved God. Right?

I was open. I was ready. I opened the door and I allowed him to cross the threshold of my heart. I welcomed him to take permanent residence in that deep place, the hidden place, the guarded place. I trusted him. I embraced him.

He was far from perfect. I knew when we began to talk he had some wounds from his past. I saw him. I understood. We were alike on so many different levels. But I really believed with Christ as the center, He would breathe healing into each of us through each other. Don’t misunderstand me, I know healing only comes through the Lord. There is not one person who can be everything, nor should we expect them to be. Our true identity can only be found through Jesus.

But we loved each other, right? We could trust each other, right?

I suppose I made a mistake expecting him to be able to give what I could. I wanted to give myself fully naked, all of me, lay myself before him and not be afraid. I wanted him to see my scars, my wounds, my weakness and love me anyway. I wanted him to see my strength, my beauty, my heart, and love me. I wanted him to see past the surface, what everyone else see’s, and look at the real me… fully exposed, vulnerable, trusting, and afraid.

I asked him if he was strong. He misunderstood my question. Are you strong enough to love me? Are you strong enough to stay when you want to run? Are you strong enough to be vulnerable, naked, exposed, and afraid, before me? Are you strong enough to trust?

I was having one of those days yesterday. Missing him so much it felt my heart would just explode from the loudness of the echo of a heart beat in an empty shell. You ever felt that? If you have ever truly loved someone and lost… you will know what I mean.

I was walking my dog and praying. Involuntary tears flowed. I just wanted to touch him, I wanted him to hear my heart. I still see his face. I look at my future and I still see his face. I can’t stop. He is still there. How can he be there when he is not even here?

God, please give me a glimpse of what You see. Speak to me, God. Do not remain silent as I pour myself out. If You could just show me that I will be able to love again, show me I will be able to let someone in again. I want to love. If he wont love me, if it is truly over, please God…. show me. Help me!

How do I move pass this and remain intact? How do I let go of someone who has become so much a part of me? Sometimes I think it would be easier to just will myself not to breathe anymore.

I try to rehearse all he has done to betray me, but then I will see his face in my mind, his smile, the way his eyes lit up, the way my hand felt in his, the way I used to feel like he knew me, he understood…. but he didn’t understand.

How is it possible he could speak right into my heart and make promises and not mean any of it? How after all the time we been together, the promises, the love, the hope, the laughs, the intimate moments… how can he act as though I never existed? How can he pursue other women as though I meant nothing? How can he move on and I am stuck? It is not fair!

I have to let go, I know. I can’t romanticize, my heart can’t afford it, truth is he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me, or he would be here right now and not on some dating site trying to start over with someone else.  I am a beautiful woman, I am Gods daughter, I am a true gift to the man who can cherish my heart. If he can’t see that, if he can’t repent, then I am doing nothing more than throwing my precious pearls into the mud.

Help me, God, keep my heart tender, but keep it safe.

Sigh.

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