I hear solitary confinement is the worse punishment. It must be awful to be separated from everyone, secluded into a space with only your own thoughts. Eventually you begin to talk to yourself and imaginations run wild. Thoughts go back and forth with the “what ifs,” “I should haves,” and “if only I…” Our own minds can sometimes be our worse enemy.
Rejection is a form of solitary confinement to a wounded soul.
The biggest demon I fight is rejection. It is an awful feeling. Real or perceived…. its still awful.
Childhood abuse and rejection by the hands of my own father has left its scar. The results have carried over into every area of my adult life. I unwittingly chose men with the same traits of the father I ran from. Strange, isn’t it?
Of course going into the relationship I was not consciously choosing to enter into a situation that would tear me down. Perhaps there was something familiar about him and he was on his best behavior and the “fatherly” traits did not surface until conflict arose. But, when the conflict happened, the bump in the road most relationships experience, instead of handling it like two healthy adults, his fears and demons showed up and my fears and demons showed up and they clashed.
You see, I thought my childhood demons were behind me. Maybe it is because I medicated them with being busy, focusing on career, my children, staying single… I was single for quite awhile for fear of relationships. A subconscious fear of men, really. I had my share of abuse at the hands of men and this caused me to “hide.”
Fear of rejection causes us to do things we would never choose to do under “normal” circumstances. It causes us to hold on to something/someone at the expense of our own health. It causes us to fear truth, to lie, because we don’t want to lose that person, even if the person does not love us in a healthy manner… because to us it is rejection. It is the subliminal message and a lie from hell telling us we are not wanted… and don’t we all want to be wanted?
To lose someone we love, to be rejected by them, is solitary confinement for those of us who suffer and battle with rejection. Because it is difficult, and sometimes impossible, to look beyond the pain and grief that comes with the loss. A healthy person will still go through the stages of grief, but they will move on. A person wounded with rejection will become obsessive on the pain, hold on to what no longer exists for fear of the feeling of solitary confinement within our own mind.
So, when two wounded people come together, one with fear of rejection and the other with fear of abandonment (as is the case when a person has not healed from past relationships that ended because of infidelity) it is a recipe for disaster and creates more wounds.
I thought I was healed from my past. I discovered I was not after being in relationship with “the name we shall not mention.” When we got close, the demons working in both of us, surfaced. They fed off of each other. In the process, we did what we never wanted to do, we killed a relationship that may have been something beautiful if we had both been healed.
I still hurt. I still get angry with him. I still love him. But I have to stop drizzling lemon juice over my wounds with the “what ifs,” or “I should have,” or “if only he…”
As much as this hurts, I am thankful this has been brought to the surface. I now know that ol’ demon is still lurking in the shadows and I know with the Holy Spirit’s help, I can do battle and destroy that monster of fear of rejection once and for all. I can be made whole, nothing lacking, and healed…. so the next time I will make healthy choices.
Still, a part of me grieves, because I love him still and it is sad we could not have ministered healing to each other. I can’t help but to think of what a blow to hell it would have been if we would have defeated the enemy together. But, there I go again, in my own mind, where the battle is the hardest.
I will say again, heal me Lord, and I will be healed, for You are my praise.