So, I have been doing a lot of thinking. You know, asking myself how did I end up in a relationship that was not healthy for me and nearly killed me (though not physically). I would hate to think I went through that grief for nothing, there is a lesson to be learned and I want to learn it so I wont repeat it.
It would stand to reason if we believe in heaven, we must also believe in hell. And if we believe in God, we must also believe in demons, right? Or visa versa.
The devil is such a perversion. He takes what God has intended for good and perverts it into something bad. Jesus called the devil the father of lies and in him there is no truth. One would think, “oh, I would never believe a lie.” Yet, we do all the time. A lie peppered with a lil’ truth is still a lie. Let us remember the devil can show himself as an angel of light, and he knows the word probably better than most of us. And this is where we get tripped up. I heard the definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing and expect different results. This pretty much was our relationship. One BIG circle.
One thing I have learned is there are patterns. If you pay attention you will notice patterns. We should not ignore this. Our relationship was one BIG circle of unhealthy patterns. Thanks be to God, He threw a wrench into that circle and removed me from it. Honestly, it did take God to remove me from it, because I was tied into that circle and probably would have not left on my own accord.
Looking back now, I ask myself, how did I get entangled in a relationship that was sailing off course, if it was ever on course? Or bigger question, why did I fight to hold on to something God was wanting me to let go of?
Just as there were patterns in him and in our relationship, there are patterns in me.
I am going to change the focus of this blog now to my patterns. Rather than continue to cry over someone who does not love me, or want me, and is no good for me…. I am going to do some soul searching on myself and get to the root of what attracted me to the man. Why did I stay there?
This is going to take quite a few posts, but I am going to be as honest as I can be. I have found God reveals things to me through my writing. Please bare with me while I flesh this out.
I was never one to have a “victim mentality.” I was always an overcomer. Forever the optimist, I always believed “this too shall pass,” and I would move on. I never really had much patience for people who blamed everything on other people, or their past. While yes, the past does shape us into who we are today, we are not to just lay down and die with it, we are to brush our knees off and get back in the race. At least this is what I told myself. I know, it doesn’t sound very Christian like, it almost makes me sound unsympathetic. Perhaps it is because this is who I wanted to be. I wanted to be strong.
Funny though…. me, Miss Strong Thang is probably the most scared person I know. But you wouldn’t know that. Because I learned to put on such a good façade, I could convince even myself.
Really boils down to this, perhaps I didn’t truly believe God cared enough about me to look pass my past? Maybe I was not only trying to fool everyone, myself included, maybe I was trying to fool God too? Maybe I believed I was healed, and when I found I wasn’t, I didn’t want to disappoint God? Does that make any sense? Silly, isn’t it?
Here is my biggest fear, are you ready? I bet some of you have the same fear. My fear goes by the name of Rejection and Abandonment.
It is a horrible feeling to be rejected. Because rejection might lead to abandonment. Could I have been so afraid of rejection I held on to someone who did not deserve me? Because, my goodness, if even he rejects me, then what chance will I ever have of a good man to not abandon me? As if I was measuring my own worth according to his standards and his narcissist mentality. Really?
But it didn’t start with this relationship. Truth is, the fear was a constant companion since childhood. I learned how to mask it, as though I was outsmarting the devil at his own game. You can NOT outsmart the devil at his own game. The best defense is to refuse to play the game.
Rejection marked me when I was a child. It showed its ugly face through my father and then through my mother. It followed me into adult hood and it taunted me. It was mocking me saying, “Your father didn’t want you, your mother didn’t want you. You can try to find someone to want you, but I am gonna follow you into that relationship too.”
We do foolish things when we are afraid. We get ourselves into situations that are dangerous. We hold on to things a little too long. We excuse behaviors as though we somehow deserve bad treatment. We take one good thing, maybe something he said that brought you a moment of comfort, and we hold onto it and ignore the other 99 things he said or did to tear us down. We refuse to believe the person we love could be so hateful. The devil is a sly one, cunning, shrewd, and he will attack us with what or who we hold close. Even Jesus was betrayed with a kiss by someone in His inner circle.
But we do not wrestle with flesh and blood, our enemy is not the person, though it sure does feel like it, our enemy is the one who is taking advantage of a situation, he is principalities, powers, rulers of the darkness of this world, spiritual wickedness in high places. (See Ephesians 6:12)
I am not saying it is OK for people to treat us cruel, unjust, unfair, and just down right mean, and I am sure not saying “the devil made me do it” is a justifiable excuse, but I am saying if we look at it with the eyes of Christ we will see there are two wounded people.
I am not going to pretend like I am such a good person that I just pray blessings over him and all he does, although the word says I should (I am just not there, yet), or that I don’t secretly daydream about a thousand red ants biting him the next time he takes another woman to the park and lay with her in the grass and talk about their future (the way he did with me), but I am going to submit to the Holy Spirit to do His work in me, bring me healing, and to a place where I can truly forgive.
I am asking God to not give him what he deserves, rather to give him what he does not deserve… and that is what He desires to give us all… a repentant heart that leads us to salvation. Deliverance. There have been so many times He gave me grace when I did not deserve it. It is His unmerited favor. If I want to be like Christ, then this is the heart I must cultivate.
I am asking God to show me why I was so attracted to him in the first place. Because when that is revealed to me, I will know better next time. I have an idea, but this post is long enough. I will write about it in the next post.
Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I hope it ministers to you in some way. I covet your prayers.