I just realized something recently. I have changed.
As an extrovert, people person, lover of God and life, always hopeful and willing to venture out and try new things, it is quite surprising to me to realize… I am afraid.
You see, the past few months, since the break, I have really went into hiding. The first two months I sat on my moms couch crying and staring into space. At my moms insistence, I took a part time job (out of my field) just to get back out there with people again. I told myself I would do this just for a short time until I am emotionally strong again and my heart is healed and then I will go back into my profession of consulting.
In my profession I work in Leadership Development. I left a career, to launch out into my own consulting and worked very hard. I am very good at what I do. My clients would send me into offices around the country to work with the management, training them, getting them on board with the vision of the organization, teaching them how to build and retain a team, increase numbers, lowers attrition…. I loved it! I really walked in the favor of God and my clients were happy with the results.
On the norm I am a confident, intelligent, energetic, motivated, and professional woman. My friends have asked me when I am going to get back out there. My daughters asked me when I am going to get back out there. And my answer is …. soon. But, if I may be honest for a minute… I don’t know. I am scared. I have lost my confidence.
I feel like I have just been through one “hell” of a battle.
I told myself this is only temporary, but at what point is it no longer temporary? It is like I have a fear of getting back out there and a dread of staying here. I suppose recognizing it is a good sign? That is the first step to recovery, right?
I don’t know at what point this happened. At what time did I begin to think less of myself and my capabilities? I do believe the last few months of my relationship with him, (the name we shall not mention) have really tore me down. I submit that in my unsuccessful attempt of pleasing a man who could not be pleased, I lost a piece of me. When did he start tearing me down? It was gradual at first, just a comment here, a correction there, and then it was everything I could do or say was “wrong.”
I mean, the man would critique every area of me. My work, my ministry, the way I talked, the way I looked, the way I cooked… nothing pleased him towards the end. Even after the break-up and our communications (which should have never happened) he would blame me, accuse me, criticize me…. he tore me down. How did I let that happen?
I confided in a friend recently, when I was with him (the name we shall not mention) after awhile I no longer felt like a grown woman, I began to feel like a child. A child that needed his approval. I did not realize that was happening. It was subtle. The constant drip of his “__ __ __ __” (fill in the blank) became a slow erosion of my self esteem, my self worth.
There is a freedom that comes with this knowledge. Because now that I know the lie, I can begin to speak the truth. I am not that helpless “girl.” I am a confident woman. I am not stupid and need him to think for me. I have the mind of Christ and my God leads me into the way of wisdom and favor.
I can’t even be fully mad at him. Although I am angry. But, he was just doing what he knew to do. Insecure, hurt people will tear others down. Unfortunately, it is the people who love them the most. From the hardness of his heart, I do not think he is capable of really loving me (or anyone).
I expected more from him and he was not able to give it. Truth is… I kind of made him my god. I didn’t mean to, but I suppose I did. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I thank God for removing anything from my life that I have allowed to come before Him.
Now, I pray God help my knees to stop shaking. And I declare fear has no place here.
God is so faithful. He never said it would be easy, but He did say He would never leave me. Now this I can be secure in.