Up, Down, In, & Out… I’m just fine

hug the word

I think when someone holds your heart and then breaks it, it takes time to heal from it. At first it feels like your heart will never heal and it hurts to even breathe. Almost like your heart has been deflated and you can’t inhale enough air to inflate it again. The worse feeling ever!

Then you start to heal. It still hurts, but not as intense and the waves start to subside. You can take breaths again, small ones, but they are coming. Your heart starts to inflate again with each breath, but it still feels empty. You start to get off the couch and you try to set your eyes to something other than the ceiling. Your eyes are clearing up from the tears, shew… you even take a shower and change your clothes. Yes, I know you can relate.

You open the door and you step out. You must continue on in life, even though the one you thought would be with you for the rest of your life is no longer there.  You are still going through some of the stages of grief, but its not quite as intense and each relapse is shorter lived.

You begin to feel like your old self again. No, not quite your old self, but you are feeling… how do I say? Human! Yes, that’s it, you are feeling like a human again.

You take the time to fix yourself again. Brush your hair, put on a lil’ make-up, smile, and you get out there. The fixing up of yourself is for you. Because if ya look good, ya feel good, ya know.

Just when you think you are good, out of the blue… he contacts you. After ignoring you and denying your existence, he contacts you. Maybe it is a pointless call, or a stupid text… you wonder why is he contacting you. I will tell you why…. because he is playing games!

Friends? He wants to be friends after all he has done to you? Oh please!  Where was his friendship when you needed him to be a friend, when he treated you worse than what a person would treat their enemies?

He misses you? Yea, sure he does… he missed you right out the door and didn’t blink twice.

(Yea, as you have probably figured, this post is for me. But, if it helps you, I am glad.)

He is back on-line doing the on-line dating thing again. I am a little conflicted about it. If you remember, that’s how I met him (and no I will never go there again). Spent nearly two years believing we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, believing we had something special, that I was special. Turns out we didn’t and I wasn’t… cuz he tells all the women the same thing.

I don’t really miss him, per se, as much anymore. But, I do miss the him I thought he was, the us I thought we were.

I am content, or learning to be, right where I am. Truly, God is so very faithful to me.

It has been 4 months since the break-up. Well, maybe not quite 4 months, because there were some periods in there he played games with me, gave me a lil’ hope, only to be him again.  I heard something profound, , and I totally receive it, it goes like this…

The Word says hope deferred makes the heart sick. This is true. We hope, we get let down, we hope, we get let down, we hope, we get let down… then we just don’t want to hope anymore. We learn to just “accept” it. Sad, isn’t it?

He would contact me and I would get hopeful, then he would let me down. Again and again…

Games I tell ya!

So, yea… here is my response (copied from someone much wiser than me) and if someone is playing games with your heart, feel free to use this…

And I will quote…”JK! First you made me sad, now you just making me sick! Don’t talk to me anymore! Don’t contact me anymore! Don’t look in my direction anymore! Delete my number! Because I will not try to resurrect what God has allowed to die. He is doing a work in me and I will not hinder it. He has a plan for me, a calling for me, He is using me for His glory and I will not allow you to get in the way any longer!”

Four months later and there are still waves, but I thank my God He has walked me through this storm. He didn’t give up on me. When I fell down, He didn’t just leave me there. He picked me up and He carried me. He still carries me.

Stay close to Him, my friend. He loves you eternally, He will never leave you.

Oh, God, I thank You that You rescued me. I thank You that You have my future planned out. I thank You that You have protected me from bitterness and You have kept my heart tender. Thank You, Holy Spirit, for leading me, teaching me, and loving me. I also thank You for healing the person(s) who is reading this and they may also need a healing touch from You. Oh, Lord, heal our broken hearts, mend our broken spirits, and restore our souls. I love You, Jesus. You are the true Lover of my soul.


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