My Confession

jesushand

When I read other blogs I wonder who is writing it. You know, who are they really? Who is the face behind the voice? Does anyone else do this? Do you wonder about the people who are sharing their lives and thoughts with you? It is easy to be transparent when we are concealed, isn’t it?

I write a couple blogs. I use my real name on other blogs, but this one is a pseudo… I suppose because I am being very transparent with this and sometimes I am sharing some very personal thoughts and struggles. My hope and prayer is always through all of my sharing, maybe God will speak to someone, and as He leads me, someone will be stirred to follow and trust Him too.

I want to tell you I was and who I am….

Maybe you will see who He is.

I was created with a beautiful purpose, in His image, for relationship with Him, my Creator, and placed in a beautiful garden. This garden had everything that I could ever have need of. I walked in the crisp mornings with Him in the garden. I was the apple of His eye, He looked at me, His creation, and He said, “it is good.”

I was the woman that looked away from my beautiful Creator and listened to an old snake. I was deceived. Because of the deception I was disobedient. Oh, how I regret that day!!! I gave it all up just to satisfy my selfishness. Have I lost my mind to believe for a moment that the very One who created everything could not supply my needs? How could I possibly believe the One who created the universe is not strong enough to take care of me? Or why did I believe the One who created all of the beauty and good not create me as beautiful too?

I was the one, who while He was writing the law on stones after leading me from captivity, was at the bottom of the hill building idols to worship because my faith couldn’t last for more than 5 minutes. Can you believe that? I walked through the sea He parted for my escape, watched the waters drown the army pursuing me to take me back to captivity, and after all that… still thought an idol built by my own hands would do better? I should have been swallowed by the waters, but for some reason He saved me.

I was the one who set up my home right dab in the middle of the enemies city. As if I would not be changed living amidst all the sinful perversity going on. But, still… He saved me. He destroyed the city, but He saved me.

I was the harlot that caused His men to fall. I shudder to recall how many times I have led others astray just because I wanted to feel love, no matter how fake or perverse it was. I was in so deep, I didn’t even realize what I was trying to fill was the void I created when I walked away from Him.

I built so many idols in the form of relationships, jobs, addictions, self… dirty, shameful idols.

I was the adulteress He saved from being stoned to death. I was the woman who had to draw water from the well in the heat of the sun because I could not face anyone for all of the lovers I had.

I was the woman rejected by men and my own father, but He still took me in.

I was the woman who came out of hiding to touch His robe. Imagine that! I was unclean and He reached down and touched me and healed me.

I was the one who told Him I would never leave Him and I would follow Him unto death… that is until death came knocking and I ran! After all He did for me and all I have seen Him do, I still denied Him. I stood in that crowd and yelled “Crucify Him!”  I didn’t know at the time it was suppose to be me on the cross. He took my place and never once complained. I had hatred and fear in my eyes, I looked at Him with disdain and all the while His warm eyes looked at me with love and compassion. I thought He must be a madman, I didn’t even recognize Him.

Even after all I have witnessed and seen Him do I still wanted proof He was alive. There was no end to my disbelief.

I traded my relationship with Him for worthless relationships. I was willing to give up my life for people who didn’t care if I was alive or dead. I was empty, dirty, ashamed, and wounded.

Until…

He saved me AGAIN! From the beginning of time He had a plan in motion to save me. He knew from the beginning who I was, how I would betray Him and hide from Him, yet He reached His arms out to me and pulled me in. He took the old rags off me and washed me clean. He whispered into my ear I am forgiven and He has never stopped loving me.

I am now no longer the lying, betraying, adulterous, murderer…

I am no longer ashamed and fearful….

I am not rejected, abandoned, or unloved…

I am His! I am a new creation!  I have purpose and He has a wonderful plan for me.

I am forgiven!

I am saved!

I am not perfect, but I am loved perfectly by Him.

For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things [a]impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

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