This is the real struggle… realizing you trusted the wrong person. When you have given your heart, your future, to someone who promised to love you, and they take, take, take it, only to throw you aside… it is a double sting. It is a bitter taste. It is rejection magnified.
I am reading 2 Samuel 13 and I feel Tamar’s pain. Someone she trusted violated her, under the distorted guise of “love” (which was really just sinful lust) and then threw her out. Soiled her and then put her to the curb like garbage.
How can anyone get back up after that?
The last couple days have been a little rough. I am embarrassed to say I have had a bit of a “temporary” emotional setback. I am just so darn angry with him!!! I am trying to not sin in this anger, I really do want to forgive him and release him. I wasn’t perfect either, but I didn’t play with his head and promise things I had no intention of keeping either.
I hate I still think about him. I hate I want to share with him. I hate he is my first thought when I see something, hear something, experience something and I want to tell him about it… but then I stop, I remember, he is not there anymore. Or maybe it is missing the time when I could share things with him. It is not so much I want to now, but I do miss when I could. Then again, if I knew then what I know now… there may have never been a then.
It’s as if he uncovered me and then left me outside of his door bleeding, and then he hopped back in bed and ignored my cries.
What you are doing to me now is worse than what you did to me at first. -2 Samuel 13:16
I met with a pastor friend of mine yesterday. I had a wonderful time with him and his wife. They are from Brooklyn, NY, so it was doubly nice, I was with family. We all need that, friends we can go to and trust. We talked, we laughed, we cried, we glorified God, and we prayed.
When I left the meeting with my friends I just had to thank God for sending them. It is too easy to just sit alone, hide from the world, and rehearse all the hurt. If I truly want healed, if I truly want to let go of him and all of his “crap,” then I need to stand up and live in the “NOW” instead of the “THEN.” He is my past, not my future.
Instead of agonizing over the loss, I am going to celebrate the victory and thank God He rescued me from the future that could have been. Because it is not about him, at all. It is about me.
This blow has shaken me. It has caused me to look at my patterns, my past, my injuries, things I have forgotten, and things I do not want to remember. This is where I must hold onto and believe Romans 8:28.
That’s it for my rant. I hope to not have too many more of these. But, even so, I know God is faithful. Not one thing has gone unnoticed by Him. I can’t change the past, but with Him I can step into a healthy future.
Come now, and let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be like wool. – Isaiah 1:18
Lift up your heads, O you gates; yes, lift them up, you age-abiding doors, that the King of glory may come in. Who is [He then] this King of glory? The Lord of hosts, He is the King of glory. Selah [pause, and think of that]! Psalm 24:9-10