I wanna be me, the me He created me to be. Argh! I am so tired of the up and down emotions. I am weary of trying to figure things out, to make sense out of things that make no sense.
I get a shimmer of hope and I throw myself back in head first…. then it is pulled away again and I don’t even land on my feet anymore.
I don’t want to sound like a whiner, but after years of being strong, this is one place I can come and be weak, be vulnerable, because you don’t know me. I suppose maybe if you are reading this you know me better than the people who do know me. You see, normally I am the one who is always smiling, always laughing. I am the forever optimist, always looking for the silver lining.
He said I live in a world of bubbles and butterflies. Maybe I did. I liked it there. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t aware… but it was safe there. I think I liked the me in that world better.
It is like I am sitting in front of a movie screen and I am watching scenes flash before me…. but this is not the movies, this is me.
I have wounds, I have scars… these are a part of my testimony. These inflictions will become a ladder and I will use them to climb over the wall. What the devil used to destroy me, the Lord will use for His glory. I know all things will work out for my good, because I love God and I am called according to His purpose.
… grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion—to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit—that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:3
I have to trust God is with me. If now is the time to face those ugly demons, then I have to believe He is allowing it for my good.
You said You have a plan for me, You said You have a hope for me. I hate that I am going around this again…. Jesus, help me to get it right this time.
Deliver me, because I am scared.