Locking the door behind her, she slid the window open and slipped out feet first, she ran as soon as her feet hit the ground.
She knew it would only be moments before her father noticed her missing and come looking for her. She had to get distance between her and him. He was in one of his rages and she shuddered to think what would happen if he caught her.
This scene repeated itself several times through out her young years. This how the life a run-away begins.
This run-away was me.
(I will pause here for a moment…. one of the reasons I started this blog is so I can journal my healing. The catalyst was a painful break-up. Through my ramblings you will read some of my inner most personal struggles, fears, sorrows, regrets, and struggles. What I have noticed, I have patterns (as we all do) and it begins with joy and ends with tears. I can choose to blame others, my past, the circumstances, myself…etc. But the truth is, there is a root cause to this and it is my desire to get to the root, deal with it, and let God have His perfect will in and through me.)
No child should ever have to face the rejection of her(his) own parents. What many do not realize is a child’s first encounter with the love of God is through her parents. If we grow up not feeling loved and protected by our own parents, how could we ever believe the love of our heavenly Father? How can we trust God to love us when our own parents didn’t?
They say “children are resilient.” I disagree.
I wasn’t resilient, I just learned how to cope. And how did I cope?
- I became a chameleon, learned to blend in
- I tried to be whoever I thought people wanted me to be
- I ran from confrontation
- I was afraid of commitment, because I didn’t want people to get close enough to me to see the “real me”
- Backed in a corner I would lie, because I was afraid the truth would turn people away from me
- I could never trust people, I couldn’t even trust myself
- I couldn’t distinguish safe people from unsafe people
I struggled with attachment. I couldn’t let myself get too attached to people, because I couldn’t trust they wouldn’t leave.
Because I have learned to be all things to all people, I learned how to be very charismatic. Others viewed me as a happy go lucky person. The truth is, I was dead inside. I would smile through the day, then at night I would cry.
I would fall in love and then be terrified. It is exhausting keeping up appearances.
I just wanted to be loved for me. I so wanted to be real, but I was too afraid.
As an adult I masked this fear through being great at my job. My accomplishments through my career were real. It was performance based. This is what I felt comfortable with, performing.
Without having a role model, an example, I had to use my imagination on what healthy relationships looked like. I didn’t know how to be a girlfriend. I failed at being a wife. But, I can say, even with my mistakes, at least I am a good mother.
I didn’t know God when I was young. But, He knew me. I can look back now and see where His hand was on me and how He kept me. You see, God chooses people like me. I don’t understand why, but I am glad He does.
I know Gods promise to me, I know His word, I know His voice. I have ministered to many and believed every word… for them. But God says to me now, the “promise is for you.”
Rejection is a terrible thing. Rejection is a demon from hell assigned to take us out, to bury us in depression until we are buried in the ground.
I started this blog because I choose to tell rejection to go back to hell! Writing is therapeutic for me, and I also hope someone else is able to find healing through my words. God is no respecter of persons. What He does for me, He will do for you.
There are no bastard children in His family. He is not a deadbeat Father. He receives us, He loves us, He wants us, He chose us. This is TRUTH.
Oh, God, heal my inner parts. Take my heart into Your hands and reshape it. I have asked You to help me love others as You do, but now God, Father, I ask You to help me love myself. Help me to see me as You see me… as fearfully and wonderfully made, created with purpose, called by You. I love You, Jesus.
If there is anyone reading this that also feels the sting of rejection and they feel abandoned, Lord, remind them right now, You will never leave them or forsake them. Let them feel Your embrace and help them to hear You voice singing songs of love, songs of deliverance, songs of redemption, over them.