The battle in the mind is very real. It does take the heart awhile to catch up with the mind, but the mind is a tricky thing.
The mind goes back and forth…
“It wasn’t that bad…”
“Remember when he said….”
“Come on, call him…”
“Maybe he was right…”
“Maybe you misunderstood…”
“Remember how his eyes lit up when he smiled…..”
“Remember how he called you beauty…”
But then sense kicks in…
“Yea, I remember when he said that…. it was a lie”
“Nope, you don’t chase after someone who clearly does not love you”
“No, you did not misunderstand, he said it, he did it, he meant it”
“A drunks eyes can light up too, does that mean you should give him your life?”
Oh yes, the battle is real. I hate this part!
For the most part I am getting stronger. I am no longer crying, so that is a good sign. But then I have a dream and I wake up missing him and feeling an empty place where it was once filled with joy and love for him. It is kind of like a homesick feeling. But, just because I had a dream, just because I miss him, does not mean I need to go backwards. No! I will take control of these thoughts. I will speak Gods truth and promise to me. I will get past this and I will be better and stronger for it.
In His timing my healing will come. I will be healed and perfectly whole, and there will be no residue of anger, sorrow, bitterness, or death. I will be filled with His peace, His forgiveness, His joy, His love, and whatever is of Him is more than enough.
It is moments like this I have to remind myself to demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. So when I think of him, what he said to me, what he did (and his actions spoke very loud) I have to hold it up to Christ and if He doesn’t approve, then I have to cast it down and let it go.
Yes, Lord, empty my hands so they may free to receive what You want to place in them. Remove from me anything that seeks to hinder me, anything AND anyone who seeks to take Your place. I trust You, Jesus, I give it all to You.