I remember when I had my first baby. I was so in love with him. He was the most beautiful baby, big brown eyes, a head full of hair. He was the apple of my eye. My in-laws always wanted to babysit him. They would encourage me to go out and trust he would be taken care of. I rarely took them up on their offer and when I did, it was more for them than for me. It was not that I didn’t trust he would be taken care of, because they loved him, it was I really didn’t need a break from him. I enjoyed him.
Then three years later I was expecting my second baby. In addition to the normal expectant mom worries, I wondered if I would be able to love her as much as I loved my son. What if I didn’t? How could it be possible for me to love another baby as much as I loved him? I knew I would love her, but would I love her as much?
It is a horrible feeling as a mom to think you couldn’t love your baby!
The day came for my daughter to be born. She was beautiful! Big brown eyes, a head full of curly hair, and the sweetest cry. Guess what?! My fears were for nothing, I did love her and I loved her as deeply as I loved my son.
It is amazing how our hearts can swell with love. I love all of my children with an unconditional love. They are mine. Each one has their own personality and their own gifts and dreams. I would lay my life down for all of my children.
So when I think of the Bible verse… “For God so loved the world He gave His life…” I wonder, how can He love each of His children individually? Now, that is a lot of love!
Speaking in general terms: yes, God does love the world. He created all of us. Just like we love all of our children (multiplied by a bazillion), but He also love us individually. This is what my mind sometimes has a hard time grasping.
You see, one thing I have is fear of rejection. Kind of nuts to think about, because I am an extreme extrovert. But, I do. Because I never grew up feeling special or loved, I have grasped for love and seem to always choose the shortest straw. Even in the dysfunction of a relationship where it was everything but love, I still held on… for fear of being rejected again.
Wow! It was like holding onto a barking wild rabid dog by the tail and hoping it doesn’t bite you.
I wanted someone to tell me I was special. Me! I longed for someone to tell me I was worth it. How could I possibly expect someone to love me with that kind of love when I couldn’t even love myself? How could I love myself when I didn’t even know what love is?
Love goes beyond “feelings” and “emotions.” Love is not always pristine and shiny. It’s not always reciting poetry, counting flower petals, staring into each others eyes… Sometimes love is dirty. Sometimes it is bloody. Sometimes it is hanging from a cross and staying there.
So, in my need to feel special, like I am one of kind, no one can replace me, and I would be missed if I wasn’t there… in my need to feel protected, cherished, valued, liked, and loved… I ask God to love me tangibly. Is it selfish of me to want to feel like an only child for a bit?
I so need Him now. He has stripped me of everything and everyone. I am finally realizing, He is not punishing me, He is beckoning me to look to Him. What He has for me is far better than what I thought I had.
Yes, I know He loves me, because He said “For God so loved the world…” And I even believe if it were for only me He would have came down and hung from the cross. But, oh God, I need you in the most tangible way.
Psalm 139 tells me He loves me in the most intimate and personal way. A father of a kazillion…. knows me by name and loves me. It is hard to understand, my mind can’t grasp it… I guess that is why He is God.
I don’t have to understand, I just have to believe.