So… I took a part time job to get me out there with people again. I will admit, I feel like I took a step backwards, because I worked so hard to build my own business. But, the last two months have found me mostly sitting on a couch staring off into space and wondering “WTH just happened!”
Heartbreak, the ripping of a soul, can leave you feeling hopeless and like giving up.
What I am coming to understand, with God it is never taking a step backwards as long as you are trusting Him.
Each day I am feeling stronger. There are still those moments of relapse, where I have to fight the impulse of contacting him. I wonder if he ever thinks about me, or does he miss me? I suppose it really doesn’t matter. If he were to be in the big picture of my life, then he would be. He is not, so I have to trust God that he wasn’t meant to be.
I believe no matter how good a person is for us, if we put him (or her) before God, he (or she) has got to go.
I have to believe God has a calling for his life and it will come to pass if he chooses to follow him. But he is not my responsibility, I am my responsibility.
Tonight I think I learned a whole new meaning to what He meant when He said “My strength is made perfect in your weakness.” He is showing me His strength really shows up when I am unable to make the calls necessary to fulfill the call He has on my life. When He has given me so many warnings to walk away from the relationship, to not pursue it, to let him go, and I didn’t… then God let his true colors be shown to me. Yes, it hurt. I don’t believe it was Gods will for me to be hurt. It is His will for me to be set free. But this is love, the love of a parent, to let their stubborn child face the consequence of their disobedience, their stubbornness, and to be there to pick you up and say, “now, now, you will be ok.”
So I prayed this evening, that God help me to be faithful to Him, to have the strength to walk through this, and to heal me.
I do want to love and to be married. But He is my eternal husband and He is the One worthy of my affections. I have to trust Him to heal me, no matter what wound needs to be revealed so I can face it, so that when the time comes I will be ready to be the helpmeet to the man He places in my life.
I honestly cannot believe He will allow me to hinder another’s calling anymore than He will allow them to hinder mine.
So… again, I say, “Heal me Lord and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved.”