Show me a girl who grew up with a father who loved her and expressed his love through patience, kindness, gentleness, consistency, and love for her mother… and I will show you a woman who is confident and secure.
I feel like I missed out on something not having a father who was there for me. He was there in my earlier years, but our home was so dysfunctional. He was an angry man and didn’t express love to us. I never really felt he loved me, sometimes I felt he hated me.
One of the things I promised myself is when I grow up things are going to be different. I will be out from under him and I will be happy and free.
Well, I did get out, but I wasn’t free and I wasn’t happy. Because all the years of damage, abuse, and fear… I took with me. It was all packed up in the little suitcase I carried in my soul and I carried that heavy thing with me everywhere I went and into every relationship. Of course, I didn’t do this on purpose. It seemed the more I tried to rid myself of the suitcase, the heavier it became. Instead of removing the junk, more was added to it.
What I desired the most was to be accepted and loved. But, I didn’t know what love looked like. Because of my already low self image, I sought after people who would only reinforce the lies I believed about myself.
I was so afraid of rejection, I tried to be what I thought they wanted me to be. I was so good at “acting” I didn’t even know who the real me was. I was lost.
How is it we can know the answer for everyone else, but not ourselves? How can we see the obvious in everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves we rationalize it.
There has to come a point when we finally say, “OK, something has got to give. This can’t continue anymore!” I am at that point.
I cry out to God to show me who I am, who am I in Him. Lord, take me deeper than my own understanding, past all of the things I think I know, and heal me.
I know the word, I know His promises, I know He loves me, I know He will never reject me or abandon me… but there is a difference between knowing and knowing. Do you understand what I am saying?
Mark 9:24… “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”