Help My Unbelief

Jesus holding a girl

Show me a girl who grew up with a father who loved her and expressed his love through patience, kindness, gentleness, consistency, and love for her mother… and I will show you a woman who is confident and secure.

I feel like I missed out on something not having a father who was there for me. He was there in my earlier years, but our home was so dysfunctional. He was an angry man and didn’t express love to us. I never really felt he loved me, sometimes I felt he hated me.

One of the things I promised myself is when I grow up things are going to be different. I will be out from under him and I will be happy and free.

Well, I did get out, but I wasn’t free and I wasn’t happy. Because all the years of damage, abuse, and fear… I took with me. It was all packed up in the little suitcase I carried in my soul and I carried that heavy thing with me everywhere I went and into every relationship. Of course, I didn’t do this on purpose. It seemed the more I tried to rid myself of the suitcase, the heavier it became. Instead of removing the junk, more was added to it.

What I desired the most was to be accepted and loved. But, I didn’t know what love looked like. Because of my already low self image, I sought after people who would only reinforce the lies I believed about myself.

I was so afraid of rejection, I tried to be what I thought they wanted me to be. I was so good at “acting” I didn’t even know who the real me was. I was lost.

How is it we can know the answer for everyone else, but not ourselves? How can we see the obvious in everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves we rationalize it.

There has to come a point when we finally say, “OK, something has got to give. This can’t continue anymore!” I am at that point.

I cry out to God to show me who I am, who am I in Him. Lord, take me deeper than my own understanding, past all of the things I think I know, and heal me.

I know the word, I know His promises, I know He loves me, I know He will never reject me or abandon me… but there is a difference between knowing and knowing.  Do you understand what I am saying?

Mark 9:24… “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

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13 thoughts on “Help My Unbelief

  1. There are those times where it’s so easy to see the faults of others because they are more obvious, because we’re not looking in the mirror. Looking inward and being critical of ourselves is like seeing our own reflection. We see all our warts and were not happy with how we look. Or were distressed because we said something we wish we could take back. Or that losing all the baggage we carry with us (likely because it happened to us during the time when we were most easily influenced-during our childhood) is difficult, because we were conditioned to accept that that is who we are, and that we can’t change it. I think acceptance and change are so irrevocably linked, and so diametrically opposed to each other, that learning to leave the negative behind and replacing it with the confidence of who you really are and want to be, requires a complete overhaul, and that is exhausting work. Achievable? Yes, provided we roll up are sleeves and decide it can be done. This means, consistently working at loving ourselves for just being who we our. Willing to forgive our own imperfections by recognizing every single person on the planet has them too. And no matter how others think, none of us are immune. Well that was not short and sweet, but it was down to earth. :o)

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    1. Well said. Sometimes who we are and who we were created to be are two different things. You are correct, we do have to forgive our own imperfections. And yes, yes, yes, acceptance and change are linked. Thank you for your comment and the reminder none of us our immune, therefor none of us are really alone. Blessings

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  2. A current struggle of mine to not attribute my father’s qualities to our Father. I too am seeking to “know” all the things that I already believe about God and really find my identity in him. Its definitely been a journey to let go of alot and understand That God will never leave me and loves without conditions, which is most of what i grew up knowing. Thanks alot for sharing this with us.

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    1. Thank you for commenting. Yes, it is a struggle. I have gone my life in and out of relationships, not knowing who I was, not really knowing my own worth, because growing up without a fathers love I didn’t know how to define myself, I didn’t know who I was, or how to love. Then I met God, and although I believed His word to be true, still inside I felt they were true for everyone else…. but me. What God has been showing me is how much He loves me, how precious I am to Him, and He is not angry with me. Which is something I struggled with, we tend to view our Heavenly father as we do our earthly father, and my earthly father was an angry man, I could never please him or be accepted by him. I pray God, our Abba God, speaks to your heart so loud and clear, to break through the lies the enemy would have us believe, and show you just how precious you are to Him. He does love you unconditionally, without end, without limits… you are the apple of His eye and there is only one you….because He created you. Blessings.

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  3. Thanks for this honest post, it’ so personal. I think your vulnerability will resonate with many people. God is our Heavenly Father and through Him we can have fullness of life. We are made in His image, and He loves us with an abiding love – nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. God bless, Roberta

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