How did I get so deceived? I am an intelligent woman. I know the Word, I have a personal relationship with Jesus. I should have known better.
“You are too hard on yourself” a friend told me.
I have to take responsibility for my actions too. It would be quite easy to just point fingers at him and say it was all his fault. Honestly, I believe the breakdown of our relationship was his fault. But the results of the fall out, the injury to my soul, I can’t blame him for that, that part was my fault. I saw the red flags, I ignored them, I justified them, I excused them. I heard God warn me and tell me no, but I had to have it my way.
You see, he was everything I thought I wanted.
I met him online, a Christian dating site (fair warning, not everyone who calls themselves a Christian is a Christian). When we first began talking my heart was drawn to him because he knew the Word We would talk about the things of God, pray together, share ministry experience. After our conversations I would be so spiritually excited, I would grab my Bible and read about what we just talked about. Surely he must be the one! He was drawing me closer to God.
Let me pause here to clarify something… it is not man who draws you to God, it is His Holy Spirit. Man can edify, encourage, build you up, and lead you, but it is His Holy Spirit that does the calling.
This was mistake number one on my part, I began to replace God with him. I didn’t mean to do it. I wasn’t even fully aware that was what I was doing, but that is exactly what was happening. I began to trust his voice over the still small voice of the Holy Spirit. Because he was so knowledgeable in the Word of God, I began to doubt my own knowledge of the things of God. I started to become silent, quenching His Spirit in me. I even began to take a back seat when we prayed, allowing him to lead, because I felt my prayers we “too simple, not spiritual enough.”
He would say things, or have attitude, that was familiar to me. Somehow it just didn’t seem right. This is not what I expected from a man of God. So in my own doubt, in my own insecurities, I ignored it. I rationalized, if he is a Godly man surely I am wrong with what I am seeing and hearing, maybe I am just over reacting in my own thoughts.
I continued in this relationship for nearly two years. I was prepared to give this man the rest of my life. I loved him. Yet there was still that “feeling” that twinge of something is just not right.
As the relationship progressed, the more my insecurities grew. He began to wear and tear me down. He found fault in everything I did or said. There was no pleasing him. Towards the end he even began to ridicule my relationship with Christ, laughed at me, mocked me. You see, men like that want you to look to them for the answers. They will tell you they are the only one who can heal you or minister to you. They will silence your voice. In the end they will destroy your soul.
He didn’t want a help meet in the Biblical sense. He wanted a woman who would agree with everything he said, never challenge him or question him. He wanted to be the shizzit.
I used to think he was just reacting out of his own injuries, his own fears (and he was) and if we are meant to be together God will heal him and he will then be the man he is suppose to be. Truth is, I should have never been with a man that is suppose to be, I should have been with a man who is.
I can write about me and how I was susceptible to this deceit, and I will, but that is for another post.
As I was scratching my head and wondering how it came to this, I read this in the Bible. I think it explains it very well. So well in fact, I don’t think I have to say anything else, I will let the Word speak for Himself. As you read this, I encourage you to do an evaluation of the relationship you are in, or came out of, or going into.
He may know the Word, he may be able to quote scripture and pray in eloquent language, but does his actions match his words? Is he truly living in the truth, or is he reciting it only?
Oh, by the way, since I am writing about my experience I say he, but if this applied to you too, use he or she interchangeably.
2 Timothy 3:1-8 (you should read the whole chapter)
But understand this, that in the last days will come (set in) perilous times of great stress and trouble [hard to deal with and hard to bear].For people will be lovers of self and [utterly] self-centered, lovers of money and aroused by an inordinate [greedy] desire for wealth, proud and arrogant and contemptuous boasters. They will be abusive (blasphemous, scoffing), disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane. [They will be] without natural [human] affection (callous and inhuman), relentless (admitting of no truce or appeasement); [they will be] slanderers (false accusers, troublemakers), intemperate and loose in morals and conduct, uncontrolled and fierce, haters of good.[They will be] treacherous [betrayers], rash, [and] inflated with self-conceit. [They will be] lovers of sensual pleasures and vain amusements more than and rather than lovers of God. For [although] they hold a form of piety (true religion), they deny and reject and are strangers to the power of it [their conduct belies the genuineness of their profession]. Avoid [all] such people [turn away from them].For among them are those who worm their way into homes and captivate silly and weak-natured and spiritually dwarfed women, loaded down with [the burden of their] sins [and easily] swayed and led away by various evil desires and seductive impulses [These weak women will listen to anybody who will teach them]; they are forever inquiring and getting information, but are never able to arrive at a recognition and knowledge of the Truth. Now just as [a]Jannes and Jambres were hostile to and resisted Moses, so these men also are hostile to and oppose the Truth. They have depraved and distorted minds, and are reprobate and counterfeit and to be rejected as far as the faith is concerned.