His Second Choice

dark heart

I gave it my all! He was my future. I loved him.

For the past two years everything I had planned, every decision I made, was with him in my future.

Now the rings have been taken off and I am faced with starting over AGAIN.

How is it possible for someone you loved so deeply suddenly go from your lover to your enemy? How did it go from sharing the most intimate parts to betrayal? What happened?

OK, so I have spent the last two months fighting depression. At times it was so deep I didn’t even want to breathe. I felt my soul being ripped from me.  Our relationship ended so violently and abruptly, I wasn’t prepared. I wish I could say I didn’t see it coming, but the warning signs were there all along. I just chose to ignore them. You see, I loved him more than I loved myself. But is that really love?

Strange how after the fact you begin to remember things and you think, “hey, how did I not notice that?” Then everything you believed is called into question and you wonder if any of it was real. At least that’s the way it is for me.

I don’t want to love him anymore. I don’t want to think about him. I don’t want to care who he is talking to, even if it with her. I want to strong and walk away from someone who never gave me the first choice. I don’t want to be a fall back girl, someone’s second choice, Plan B, or resentment.

I emphasize with Leah. She was married to a man who did not love her. He loved her sister. No matter what Leah did to win her husbands heart, she would never be the one he chose. How sad is that? I can only imagine the thoughts that tormented her and the fear.

God say’s perfect love cast out all fear and if you still have fear then you have not been perfected in love.

What does this mean, really?

I think it means we have complete trust in His love. We know and believe He will never reject us or leave us. I believe it means, no matter what the world says, no matter who leaves us, He will never leave, and if we can believe Him, trust Him, then we will never have to fear, because he promises all things will work out for our good.

But, still… this is hard when we have to let go of someone we love.

My emotions are like a roller coaster, up and down. I hate him, I love him, I miss him, I am angry, I am sad, I am relieved, I miss him, I am sorry, I angry, I am insecure, I miss him, I hate him, I love him…. and it goes on and on in a vicious circle.

Oh, God, heal me and I will be healed. Save me and I will be saved. For You are my praise.

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2 thoughts on “His Second Choice

  1. I found your site from a comment on the Pastor’s Apology to the Single Community. I’ve only just started reading, but I plan to catch up. I, too, am recovering from a divorce, and I’m so grateful that you have the courage and strength to open up about your experience. I greatly appreciate vulnerable authenticity, and only one post in, you’re already an inspiration. Thank you, in advance, for all of the encouragement your faith and transparency will no doubt provide someone like me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I started writing this blog as a journal of sorts and a way to flesh out what I was going through. Divorce is a painful experience, it is a ripping of the soul. I believe God is the healer and deliverer, since He is no respecter of persons, what He does for one of us, He will do for another. It is comforting to know we are not alone in our struggle. Waves of grief are intense at times, but He promises He will not let it swallow us up. Be blessed and be encouraged. Thank you again for your encouraging comment.

      Like

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